Navratri-Dussehra 2023

 Themes 

- Feeding her hungry baby

- Freedom from errors

- The huggy-puggy

- Nayra at school

- The last night of dance & Glamour

- From Nayra to Aaji

- Divinity & Tradition

- The comparison & No Tuxedo Vs. Less than perfect Tuxedo

- Small Pleasures (Raam Laddu)

- Protecting her baby from cold

....

Bullying & own it

Introducing her baby to muska bun

Curd & Cream Laad

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Mum understanding ocd and wanting to be a part of my stammering journey

Giving advice & bonding & feeling relevant

Fear of drug & psychiatrist 

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Finding the blanket and crafting a narrative around it

MATERNAL LOVE

Maternal Instinct is transcendental. There is something really fundamental about a mom wanting to feed her baby - as fundamental as life itself. (I had ganga-jamna dal with bharta and seviyan)

FEAR 

Awareness & Choice Vs. Immersive & Spontaneous 

Error. 5 letters but a lot of weight. What is the error element? It is the urge to cognitively undo a stressed emotion. (Nayra is dependent on others to undo her stressed emotions, that is why she is so dependent on her parents.)

She is not aware of her unclear speech or her apparently random actions. She freely expresses herself. (She does not know so many things but she still keeps herself engaged through her imagination)

Madness & Liberation 

If an adult does the same actions as Nayra, he will be considered mad. When the logical structure breaks, there is no understanding, no cognition. There is only a release of raw life energy. It is this life energy that is so charming. 

Getting What You Want

Not getting what I want triggers stressed emotions and the process of relief restoration starts. 

Putting in a lot of unnecessary effort to get what I want also triggers stress and thus the process of justification (to show to be free from guilt OR to defend as warranted or well-grounded) for achieving relief restoration starts

Actually getting what you want is just not in your control.  What is in your control is...make effort for things you value. 

Fear & Divinity

Leaving the unresolved emotion (secondary stressor) to God (the supreme director) can be helpful

Remember & Retrigger

No matter how clear a mental picture is, it gets hazy with time, even over a few hours or minutes - making you feel you are back to square one. It triggers anxiety and thus restarts the never-ending process of clarity-restoration. (never-ending process of cloud (anxiety) & rain (relief) )

It may also trigger guilt and may restart the process of justification for achieving total relief restoration.

Entropy (randomness) always increases. 

BONDING - THE JUNGLEE HUGGY-PUGGY

One of the things that is characteristic of our relationship is the unbridled huggy-puggy. It is not sexual, even though it is physical. It is the oxytocin magic, that is different from testosterone and very similar to petting a cute animal, a golden retriever or a cow. 

It is an "overwhelm of a feeling" - the cuteness feeling

FEAR & PLAY (NAYRA AT SCHOOL)

The fear of being 'alone' - neither papa nor muma

The happiness of  'playing' - objects, shapes, sizes & colour can be so fascinating and new

A. I am imagining new objects, new shapes, sizes (or size contrasts), colour & touch/sound that I have never seen/heard/felt before 

B. I am imagining having control over them, being able to manipulate them

If these two conditions are met, then I can play like Nayra. 

The fear of being alone is actually the fear of being lost. 

To simulate that fear, I have to imagine that everyone that I knew is no longer there and is wiped off the face of the Earth. OR I have irrevocably been transported to another galaxy. It is scary

LAST NIGHT OF DANCE & GLAMOUR

Why alcohol always goes with dance?

Why looking good feels so good?

Dance is an expression of freedom and physical relief (as opposed to physical tension) and physical health. It goes with music. It is a physical manifestation of the sense that the music creates. I would like to think, dancing with all your heart, when your movements become automatic and smooth, is one of the doorways to the hidden special world. 

Music + Dance + Alcohol = Apparently the best

Looking good feels so good because it meets the basic need of 'social acceptance'?

There is another element - when you look yourself in the mirror and get attracted to yourself. If I had met me, I would be attracted. 

To look desirable feels good. 

To be desired by the person you desire is another doorway to the hidden special world

SMALL PLEASURES

The smell of the fresh rain (petrichor), gentle cool breeze on your face, the winter sunshine, to learn a new thing, muska bun, the cool soft "liquidy" curd and half-dream half-awake caress.

 Walking into home haven sanctuary 

Sing along in car

Living Independently - The curtain nightmare/ordeal

 I am writing after a long time. I hope this is the end of my writer's block and I will nourish and nurture my in-born writing talent. I hope OCD cycles will not take the pleasure out of writing. 

I want to document the curtain-setting episode. 

It started with an idea of just window curtains, window lace curtains. I took the measurement and sent it to my parents. They got the strings and the 'challa', not to mention the lace curtains. Only later I realized they had packed the strings along with the curtains. 

The curtains-strings stuff was got around June 28, when Papa had come over to deliver my IGNCA application form. On July 8 I finally became serious to put on the curtains. 

July 8

I thought the challa (ring) was a keel. I was somewhat dumbfounded when I saw the strings and the screw lookalikes, along with the curtains for the first time. The curtains did not have loops. The curtain and the string length were too long. It took me a moment to register what is to be done. And one thing was missing - screws. 

SCREWS

I had big screws that felt inapt for the curtains but Arjun said it is workable. The curtain length and the absence of loops did not matter. The string had to be cut short. 

But, that could wait. I wanted to use Arjun to fix the screws. Because the screws were big, fixing them into the frame BEFORE getting the string cut was a wrong decision. First, the right screws had to be bought. 

Or, better - Go out and buy the screws and get the string cut then do the whole together at once rather than doing it piecemeal. Mark a point on the string where you want it cut. 

But, due to poor time management, the screws were bought and fixed (thanks to the generous nature of Arjun) BEFORE getting the string cut. 

STRING

I wanted to use the Urban Company guys to cut the string.

Getting the string cut without a measuring tape was a wrong decision. The string was first still longer and then appeared to have been cut (in the second attempt) a bit too short. But, that could wait. A more visible problem was - the other string remained to be cut. And one challa remained to be installed into the first string that was just cut a bit too short. I guess I was banking on the challa to compensate for length. 

So, at the end of 08th July, two tasks were pending

- getting the other string cut to the right length

- getting the challa installed into the first string

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July 9

GOING OUT AND GETTING THE WORK DONE

I was all set to go to the shop. 

- The other string was cut to the requested length

- I had only one spare challa (which was accidentally installed into the other string)

End Result - I was with two strings, each having one challa. 

I had to get two more Challas (that I assumed I left at home)

SEARCH FOR ONE CHALLA

One challa I got from home and the other from the market after a wild-goose chase. 

End Result - I was with two strings, each having two challas, as desired

CHANGING THE POSITION OF THE SCREW (Back to Screws!!)

Because the string was cut too short the screw placement had to be changed.  

And now begins the ordeal - of fixing one new screw (- not happy with the sagging curtains), altering the placement of the original screw (- not a very neat arrangement) and fixing another new screw (At last, peace!!!!)

All throughout being concerned about damaging the wooden frame during screw hammering. 

TAKEAWAYS

- Use the right labour. Don't be pennywise and pound-foolish 

- Don't do carpentry/metal work (wire cutting and challa installing) piecemeal. 

This is only the beginning. Living Independently is only going to get more interesting.